Recent Thoughts...

I was looking into the mirror while dressing up for dance class the other day and noticed how the room light glinted against my shoulder... and how boney it suddenly seemed to be. At certain angles, I could see the ridges of my ribs, the bones at the tip of my shoulders (at 66kg?! How strange it seems to be boney at such a weight!) and how deeply pronounced my clavicles have become and it disturbed me somewhat... because beyond that, I still saw fat. Oh god! I'm still so fat! *pinches skin*

I walked out and asked the hubster a question I had been pondering.. "how do you know if someone has anorexic tendencies?". I believe that anorexia or at least the formations of the tendency must be derived from a certain stage of a persons size & weight in their minds before it actually plummets down to an unhealthy bone-like state. I'm not saying that I have anorexia.. I'm far from it of course but it disturbed me to look at myself and instead of being happy that I've come thus far, that I look at the reflection looking back at me and I still say.. "Oh God! Still so fat!!" Specially now where I'm not exactly what the major consensus would consider FAT. So why is this so? It must be something warped with my state of mind... ponders somemore...

What he said after that discussion also resonated in my mind.. "you haven't asked me what I thought of your size" he said and I realised.. that I havent.. and he said "you're too small now.. to me.. but you can tone up more if you want but losing more weight isn't going to make you look any better than you already do. If you gain weight, be happy. If you lose more weight, be happy. Whatever size you want to become, just be happy...." and I nodded in silence... I wished I could just agree and just smile and accept that I could just be simply happy.

You know how when people say "when I get a million dollars, I'll be happy." But when they do get the million, are they truely happy? Or is it just not enough? Or when people who are on a weightloss plan say "when I get slimmer, I'll be happy"... so why is it being slimmer turns out not as what it seems. Because it seemed that I was happier bigger and trying my darnest to get down to this goal only to reach it somewhat and say.. "thats it?"...

I won't deny having the pleasure in seeing my pictures and thinking, my gosh... look at me now, what a journey I've taken to reach where I am now.. sure, I amuse myself by hanging on to mrt poles with my arms bent at 90 degree angles so that I could see my biceps.. wahahaha! Biceps! I never thought I'd ever have arm muscles in my life! Much less slightly visible ones that I could ACTUALLY flex... I won't deny revelling unabashedly in the compliments from many a persons saying how wonderful I've made it to where I am... Thank you!

But for awhile there, I went about in a state of ponder.. to why I was not happy.. perhaps it was a loss of curves which I was previously so proud of. Sure, I was big but I was voluptuous to a major degree! I had major major curves! Looking down, now its just a bump n lump here n there with some loose skin that still needs time to retract. This is not the kind of sexy that I had in mind... slim = sexy? Apparently not so because sexy is in the mind... and my mind isn't quite clear right now...

I went about my week with these thoughts bouncing in my head and on Friday morning, I received a surprise. My friend and PT client who I meet several times a week presented me with one of the best presents ever which she purchased for me at her latest overseas trip that came at such impeccable timing. Something that I needed at no more perfect time than now. Encouragement. Inspiration. Direction. Reason and Acceptance. Thank you S. I know you'll read this sometime and you cannot believe how touched and appreciative I am of your gift. *tears happily*

The book has been with me in my arms or in my bag since I received it and I've been taking peeks at it throughout the day, completely enjoying myself with the stories within. Finding such close parallels to what I've gone through with my weightloss journey and its struggles and finding that I can laugh along with it is just priceless. Thank you.

And one more before I end off this post and off this topic. Here below is a picture of Charlotte Mizuki and me. An amazing lady who has been a faithful blog reader for some time now that I've met lately and had gone on a weightloss journey of her own. She had successfully lost 12kg in just under 6 months. I happily applaud her efforts and determination! It was certainly not easy for sure. She had been coming to my classes recently and has been an absolute pleasure to have. To check out her exploits, her blog can be found HERE.