Friday, February 23, 2007

So many things, so little time.

Gosh, there are so much to write about. I have all these thoughts, experiences and encounters that I want to pen down but I just don't have the time. I'm hoping that I can get them all down before I forget them so that they can stay recorded for posterity.

I know that there are only a few people reading my blog. You guys know who you are. :) Thank you for being interested in me. In my life and how little or big each experience or thought I've put into writing here that you have taken the time to read. Time from your life to share a moment in mine. Thank you. :) For those that I know, you have my heart. *although you all know that CJ has most of mine hehehe, you can have a teeny part of it... *

I feel that it keeps me feeling sane. Not that I'm going crazy, but gives me an opportunity to express myself and feel centred somehow. To read back on different times of my life where details had become hazy but were so real to me at that time of posting that entry.

I know my blog is all about me.. but then again.. isn't that what its all about? Writing about what happened to yourself and your reflections. I realise that at many times, it even seems shallow and unintelligent. Without political banter.. or worldly opinions on which government policy has recently rolled out. Neither do I have sports, honestly, I don't know much about any kind of sport or its rules or whos winning.. I really don't give a damn. *shrug* I'd listen to banter on how liverpool won 2 to 1.. or whatever but if U know me well, I have no bloody idea what you're talking about half time.. or what nots.. hahaha

Anyway.. stuff happened over Valentines which I'd love to blog about when I have the time. We ACTUALLY celebrated it with gifts n all... for the first time in over a decade. No kidding.. but true... details coming up sometime.

Chinese New Year came and gone and FUCK!!! I gained back all 5kg that I lost in the 5 weeks that I started my diet. 5 weeks = lost 5kg = regained in 2 weeks of regular diet and minimal exercise.

I'm thoroughly pissed with my lack of self control to have backfired on my regime. Kinda like going off drugs and getting all celebratory and going.. Yes!! I can do this, this time is going to be different and then u close the room door and snort in a vial of coke up ur nostrils and go AHHHHHHH... BACK to bloody square one. *pui*

In a way I do feel its different. I'm angry at myself and I'm fueled with determination to lose it again now and I know that I can easily drop 5kg.. and then work on more from there. CJ tells me that we'd resume our regime from Monday. A month long no carb break for at least 30 days. I'm looking forward to it greatly. In the meantime, I'm just sinking into oblivion. Surrounded by all kinds of snacks... carbs, food and sugary drinks. While I bask in sin for the weekend, I will be looking forward to updating my blog to say that I've done it again. BAM! 5kg gone and more to go... I guess it all comes in good time to start on Monday too as I'd be "good as new" to start working out strenously to shock my body back into getting its work out.

Going more off topic and limiting this to 5 more minutes of writing as I'd need to go to bed soon. Its the first day of returning to work tomorrow and I hope that the long list of stuff I need to go gets done. There is so much to do. Today is what CJ calls "heng gang" where we went back to the studio to "get office open and open for business". We went back to clear up the office and straighten things up in preparation of a busy business year this year.. We're looking forward to it greatly and it looks to be an exciting one. Professionally, it looks like we're growing.

On a personal note, we, or maybe I should say I had a "scare". My period was late.. for a WEEK.
Its not like its regular but its somewhat there to know that it should arrive around a certain time. When it did not, I guess that it got CJ all excited. I was apprehensive and mentally kicking myself in going, damn.. really? no.. can't be.. or maybe it is? .. I don't know.. On reunion day. I woke up at 6am to help my mom in law make our reunion luncheon..she also pressed me to try for a new one this year.. I just went.. "hmn..."" and she said.. "you know, CJ wants another.." *sigh* and of course we were "blessed" with many many greetings over the new year with "Happy New Year... 3rd one this year yes?? Boy??"

Oh god, please help. Its almost a conspiracy.

Anyway, it got to a point where just some nights ago I felt my blood pressure drop and felt dizzy and it was followed by a sharp prolonged feeling of nausea. I sat down and went. This is NOT IT. Cannot be so zhun while CJ fluttered around, tentatively and gingerly holding me. I made a mental note to buy a test kit the next morning and just get it over with.

The morning came and for some strange reason, my mother in law was constantly with me when we were buying stuff at the groceries and the medical hall. I didn't want her to see it and couldn't do it without her seeing so I put it off to later in the afternoon.

Afternoon came and I went to the bathroom to pee before I went down and I let out a cheer. CJ came in and went what?!?!? I said.

"my period came. BWHHAHAHAHAHAHAH.... " never had I felt so relieved in seeing blood.

As with every time we have a phantom pregnancy encounter which comes out negative. I have a sense of 80% relief and 20% disappointment. Somehow I believe that it would actually balance out if I actually was pregnant into acceptance and apprehension. Relief that things would still be the same and I can still dream about having a fabulous body by the time I hit 30. Relieved that I could still have a chance to attempt to choose the gender of my next child with natural methods rather than leaving it to random selection if I did come through with deciding firmly to go ahead with my number 3. Disappointed that it just didn't go through and that its almost like an inevitable and if it should happen. Perhaps it should happen when I still have the energy. I'd hate to be old, cracklin and holding a newborn. Why I say inevitable is because. I know he's fertile. So am I. We have been at it unprotected and without any regard for cycles other than the fact that we don't do it while I'm bleeding. Inevitable? Perhaps. Playing with fire.. totally. Gonna get burnt. Likely. I guess I'll let nature take it's course. But please at least give me the opportunity to get this weight thing off my chest before I turn into a dairy cow once more....

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