Friday, September 21, 2007

The wierdest dreams...

Have u ever had those types of dreams where it was just so sad that you cried your heart out? Only to realise that you are REALLY crying in real life in your sleep? Those kinds of dreams are so torturous because they really make my heart feel like breaking.
I used to have those dreams every couple of months.. before, most of them would be because CJ would be betraying me with some slut out there.. I guess it shows my insecurity deep down..

But recently its been different.. I've been having it almost every week! Its so emotionally draining because it affects me alot for the rest of the day! Maybe its the diet but it really drains me having dreams like that.. I wake up and I'm sobbing OUT LOUD and tears are streaming down my face...

Last week's dream for what I can remember of it now was of me and Eirian, my younger baby... She was in some kind of van. It was like some kind of ambulance kind of van but it was moving and the van doors weren't closed! She was injured and alone and had broken bones of some sort and she was crying out for me and crying in pain and her legs had blood. She was reaching out for me. For some idiotic reason, I was in another vehicle and it was being driven away and no matter how I tried to move the vehicle back or jump off or run towards her, I can't! I must get to her, I must! And I CAN'T! What the hell!

A mother would understand the kind of pain u feel when your children are hurt and calling for you. You would kill just to get to them and when you can't. You're SUPERBLY FUCKING FRUSTRATED! I was crying like a mad woman and screaming, Eiri! I'm coming! Mommy's Coming! Coming! And damn .... in the dream I just can't reach her.

As usual, I woke up spasming in my sleep and tears streaming all over my face. I looked over with my teary eyes and see Eirian sleeping on my bed again.. she pottered over in the middle of the night to sleep with me from her room. She has been doing that alot recently but we don't mind. I pulled her close and went back to sleep, glad that it was just a dream...

Dream two came to me the day before.. for what I can remember.. my sister in law was pregnant.. (**ya lah, Serene.. I know you're laughing about was a dream ok? U sure u're not?? hahhhahaa**) and we were going to see our gynae. We have the same gynae who delivered all our children... we headed out to his clinic and for some reason, when we reached there, we were told that we had made an appointment to see the doctor for an ABORTION! I was totally shocked, why??! and the worst part came was... we both went in together and it turns out that we went to see him together but Dr. Lai asked me.. so Pam.. how are you feeling?

I asked.. me? I'm fine! But you should be wondering more for Serene right? The gynae then said, why? You're the one thats PREGNANT! ... *shocks* Huh? What a wierd twist.. I'M the pregnant one? How can it be? And we've set an appointment for an abortion? Huh??!

I was totally confused and started crying. Somehow, in the dream the decision to remove the baby was a final one and it was out of my hands to decide. It was already decided and I had to do the abortion. Yet I had so much conflicting feelings.. How can this be? Why is this happening? I'm pregnant and aborting? Why? Do I want the baby? What if I want the baby? Why? Why!

I cried and sobbed so hard and screamed and cried somemore. It felt like my heart was breaking. My heart... It was just so painful.. it felt so unreal the kind of sorrow I felt.. like the pain you'd feel when you realise that someone dear just passed on.. Oh god.. if a heart can break. It did and I woke up with CJ tapping my arm asking me, why I'm crying so pitifully... *sigh* Pain pain... it brings me back to a letter I read once from a little girl who got aborted and wrote to her mom.. of course this is fictional but don't you think the feelings are genuine.. Children are so precious.. if you lose any.. it'll be on your heart and mind forever... after all, they're yours.

I hope these dreams stop.. I'm feeling tired.

Dear Mommy,

I am in Heaven now... I so wanted to be your little girl. I don't quite understand what has happened. I was so excited when I began realizing my existence. I was in a dark, yet
comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping. Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me. Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you.

Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much. One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy. That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean Monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me.

The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, help me please! Mommy, help me." Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore. Then the monster started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the pain i can never explain. It didn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off. Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me.

I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn't, all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all. I wanted more than anything to be your daughter. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to
you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand.

And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone. The angel took me away to a wonderful place. Then I was happy. I asked the
angel what was the thing was that killed me. He answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is, I guess that's the name of the monster.

I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't;the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die. Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion monster. Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I
did. Please be careful.

Your Baby Girl

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