Thursday, February 17, 2011

Being Slim Isnt...

....as all cut out as they said it would be... I'm dilemma-ing. For the past couple of years, I've been on a weightloss journey as we charted myself from that massive 100kg size to where I am today at 66kg. Indeed it has been no mean feat and an incredible challenge to have gotten this far.

From inactivity to an insane amount of physical exertion only known to full time group instructors... or perhaps bootcamp army officers... from a total lack of control to a determined mindset... the journey has had its ups and downs over the years...

So after all that, my life has been turned left, right, up and down and have completely changed how I am, my social circles and the way I perceive life, gain satisfaction... and sometimes even grief...

Then here I am. 34kg lighter. Doing what I love to do everyday and standing at a weight of 66kg. Feeling grateful that I have family and friends who have told me I'm beautiful no matter what size I am. And I truely appreciate the sincere honesty too.

BUT also realising that 66kg is still a heavy weight. And that I have always had a 60kg target since I've started this journey... now I'm having my doubts that I should go that small...

Small?! 60kg is small?! Are you kidding?! Well ... an average person at 60kg would pretty much consider themselves chubby, fat or for the more extreme.. "OMG! I'm obese!!! So fat!!"... but looking down at myself.. apparently with a heavy body frame and a blissfully tighter muscle build than your average 66kg person.. I think I'm looking alright.

Whats with this obsession I have however about my weight? My girlfriend said "who cares! as long you look healthy"... really? I'm trying to understand why I can't seem to find satisfaction at that number staring back at me from the weighing scale.. 66kg.. hmn...

And this comes with a very highly vocal consensus from everyone around me to stop with the weightloss... Some ask... "you're still going to lose more? Why??!"... and all I answer is because... "I've set out to achieve that 60kg target... I must reach it if not I would not have achieved my goal"... but do I really need to? Thats the dilemma now... 60kg was the magic number. Because any average Singaporean female would be considered on the heavy side even at that number but I think it would be just nice. But then again, I'm not the average Singaporean female...

A 60kg size would mean an easy medium in clothes, a size 10 perhaps... but then again.. I'm already wearing from medium/large now and then the disappointment starts as I look about... yeah sure.. I now have an amazing side profile..or so I've been told... I stand with my front flat (with clothes on of course), back lean n tight all the way till my bottom where I now have a considerably smaller ass with just the right wiggle where I need it....

That said.. front is flat. Sadly, I've lost my boobs and I was really actually quite proud that I had assets up there for some time and considerably voluptous enviable ones at that... When the clothes come off at the end of the day now.. my previously glorious DDs are now a very meagre deflated C.. I may even be a B.... as I can feel air in my C cups.. *sads*

So the chance that losing the final 6kg would literally flatten me out makes me astoundingly miserable to think about. Comments would flow around me "you're just nice now"... "you won't look good smaller".... "maybe just 1-2kg more if you really want" is common phrases I'm hearing these couple of days...

So the dilemma here is... do I press on because I have said I will. Or do I remain complacent and stay. Would I really look bad smaller? Perhaps I'd just lose the weight just to see how I am and then gain some back if I really look like this so called skinny pointy chin alien people say I might look like...

Or perhaps I can just set a new aim. To tone and flatten my abs. (I have never had tight abs in my life!! I may be flat now but never tight). To tone my arms (I still have mini batwings due to the stretched skin from all that previous weightgain). To round and tighten my butt/hips so much that I finally have that enviable killer backside n thighs I've always yearned to have...

Okay.. at least for the above new aims.. I'll now set a timeframe to achieve these... from now.. to my upcoming Birthday in JULY 2011. Lets see how this goes... (peeks into my tshirt sadly... sad.. very sad *shakes head*... )... I never expected that I'd actually feel miserable about reaching a certain stage of slim. But then again, at 66kg.. I'm not slim... so that makes it worse!! Big n Boobless!! ARrrghhh!!!! :(

When is it ever enough...

5 comments:

Jason said...

I agree. If you're can't have boobs, you may as well go all the way and get a killer hard body. Lots of women look great with a toned body and relatively flat chest. Go for it, and good luck!

hui said...

wah Pamela, your blog entry is really interesting. It's like I'm hearing from you personally (live).

And yah, that's kind of the price if you wanna shrink, everything else shrink too. =(

Since u set for 60kg why not strive till your stated deadline (your bday)? You are not far from your goal and certainly able to reach it despite of those sour emotions. Don't wait till you migrate. Many nice clothes there looks better on firmer bodies. You won't regret sheding that few more kilos.

Still, I do want you to know (though it's most likely just a reminder) that those who truly love and care for you will continue to support u no matter how you look. It's merely for personal satisfaction and a healthier lifestyle, so it's really up to you. =)

Why don't ya put up a poll on your blog and see how what's your audiences' responses?

pravakar said...

Amazing article! I am giving special thanks you to create such a informative article

ee said...

Losing weight is never enough. If you reach 60, u want to be 55 and when you are at 55 you want to be 50. And then 48 ... Just be happy about yourself :). You have done great. A healthy mind and body is most important.

I lost my weight from 74-69-65-60-58-55-52 (@1.57) and yet I want to achieve 48. Haha but the weight just yo-yo btw 52-54. So i am stuck!

Oh by the way, you look GREAT!

Waine said...

Your personal story post is very interesting. I'm also in the process of Slimming!! Counting calories, cutting down snacks, supper and outside food which are source of gaining fat cells. Exercise and having a fit body matters a lot not killer body to impress others becasue at the end of the day We are to be true and happy for ouself because we accomplish in overcoming ourself and body not beacsue loving to hear envy praises and honey nectar compliments from the world.