To Act or Not to Act, that is the question....

Do you know the feeling of being so excited over something only to finally get it realise that it was not as good as you hoped it would be?

I had a great experience filming the short film, The Red Geisha. The director was great. The cast was great. The crew was great! The set was beautiful, the costumes were lovely and heck! I even got the main role!

Not bad for a first time acting role in a film.

I was nervous as hell, feeling a little inadequate amongst all the professionally trained actors that were my co-stars, but still enjoying the experience nonetheless.

The still pictures came out gorgeous. I never knew I could fit into such a tight fitting cheongsam from Chinatown. I literally climbed my block for some days just to get my ass into that dress. They NEVER have my size so I was surprised I could even wear one.

I collected a copy of the final DVD of the film for my personal records yesterday and I sat down that evening to view the work. I must say that there are some nicely artistic parts that are really well done and some parts that I feel I could have done better.

My R(A) scene in the beginning I thought was a little horrifying and I was appalled to note that I looked so HUGE. They tell me that being on TV/Film can add 20% to your size but since I lost 25% in real life off my body and face and the film piles another 20%, I pretty much looked like I was back at 95kg!!

I was simply appalled and traumatised that I looked so fat and sometimes SO BLUR!! What the heck happened to my defined jawline? Dun have lor! I look so round!!

Was it that I was heavily menstruating at the time of filming that I was so swollen and water retentioned? I can only pray that was why I was SOOOOOOO FREAKING ROUND!!!!

Seriously, the show was good, the storyline was interesting. It was ME. I'm disappointed that I looked that way and started to wonder if that was how others really saw me and that I'm not as "pretty"as I thought I was after all.

Ok.. a little narcissism here lah, I think I look a hell of alot better now than when I was over 100kg in size but now I have my doubts. And its the doubts that makes me disappointed.

In a bedroom scene, if I were the man, I wouldn't even fuck myself if I had a partner who looked like roly poly "Ham Chee Peng" face me. Holy cow! and I've got to do SOMETHING about my arms lah. I have bat wings. *wails*

Bat wings - the flap of loose skin and fat that hangs off the upper arm.

In real life, you'd see that my stance, walk and posture will not allow for me to show for fallacies like a really bad double chin or even things like a DOUBLE CHEEK. Yes, it was THAT bad. Its more of my mother's influence in my childhood that we had a certain level of ettiquette and demeanour towards carrying ourselves from ensuring that we took care of our skin, teeth to hair to the way we walked. Ie shoulders back, posture and a strong walk.

I walked around in one scene looking like I was partially drugged and stumbling around looking for a toilet and I was supposed to be surveying and admiring my "brothel". And the worst part, even CJ laughed when he saw it and said "Very unglam leh! You didn't carry yourself well!". Gosh.. stab me in the heart will ya! .... *holding the tiny knifelet in my chest* And whats even worse was that, when I was doing that during filming.. I seriously didn't realise that it was looking like that. DO I walk really like that? Its very AUNTY LIKE LEH!! **wails**

Its not like I'm thinking making a career move out of this but I thought that it would make an interesting aspect to my life if I can do it. *Heh heh, I get this kick out of seeing myself commercially lah! hahhah*

It can be put down that I'm still new to this and an amateur and that I'll ripen over time with experience but for my first time, so sad lah! I'm disappointed and felt that I could have done better. I will surely be working to DO BETTER next time. When I get another chance.

In the meantime, I actually had some audition calls from some casting directors to try out for some roles but I missed them due to various reasons. But I'm still shortlisted for others with details to come if and when I need an audition for them. They said they'll be in touch with me... Stuff ranging from TVCs to a short film to a feature film. I guess who knows where this may lead. I'm tempted to just stick to print where I could pose for multiple shots and they find the best one and photoshop me up to perfection.. On film.. cannot lor!... sigh....

My actor/actress friends have been telling me that I'll get better over time with experience and that they had similar experiences and not to be discouraged and to chalk it up to experience. They've given me some acting advise too which are quite priceless so I'm grateful that they shared their insights with me.

But in the meantime, do I want to spend my time pursuing this path?... I'm still contemplating thus the sad look in the pictures above.... To act or Not to Act... that is the question.... but for now... I don't think I would be putting up for some roles till I hit my 55-60kg size so that I won't end up traumatising myself for looking like I'm 100kg again on TV. Unless of course they're looking for AH PUI Ah niah *fat girl* for some dairy commercial. I can lor... sigh. *wails*

**and I know that the director Lydia would definitely read this, but know your film was gorgeous and lovely and this is about only about me. Next time when you're a successful commercial international director, you can cast me again and I promise that I'll be better. Thank you for the opportunity, I'm eternally grateful for the experience. ~**