Fathers...

This video made me start sobbing almost immediately. In our hearts.. a parent's heart. Our children will always be loved. Always our little girl. Some parents show their love in different ways, the most puzzling at times are Fathers.

When I watched this, I wonder if my father looked at me the same way when I was born and when I was growing up? Was I a disappointment? Did I make him proud at any time?

I was my grandfather's little girl, My Ah Gong. He died in 1988. I still miss him. His name was Charlie. I always smile when I hear that name. I have fond memories of him which I will leave to another time and another blogpost.

My dad on the other hand.. is also one character who's too much of a man & too proud to show his emotions. I did see him cry once during my turbulent teen years. It almost broke my heart then to realise that I made him cry. He tried to hide it as he walked away from me but I saw it.

My own father shows me his love in the wierdest ways. Perhaps its because its the best way he knows how. He doesn't talk to me much. Actually, he doesn't talk to me at all other than the usual commentary and small talk when we meet. IF we meet.

Sometimes, I reach out for help and albeit being the grump he usually is, he hears me out and when he can or maybe when he wants to, he helps in his quiet ways.

He buys little cartoon DVDs and packs them up for his only grand daughters... my girls. He cuts them strawberries and puts them on little platters when I bring them over. He loads them with ice-cream when I'm not looking because he can give up to 3 popcicles at one go. I find it amusing

When I was younger, the only time I hear him speak is all about my studies. Asking how my results where and giving me lectures on how I have to try harder. *I can now empathise with the frustration of a child who's obviously not trying her best!* I couldn't see it then.

He calls the guys who call me on the phone, GAYS... I think he thought he was trying to be funny. *Ha ha (rolls eyes)* I'd ask "who called?" he'd reply "a gay". Alamak... he was in denial.

He has this thick moustache and when I was small, he'd kiss me and I'd cringe and yell because his hairs would poke into my face... EEEEEEEEEeeeeeee DUWAN u to kiss me lah!! *run away*

He'd spend time with me bringing me to music concerts. He'd never tell me in advance but 1 hour before the show starts at 6pm. He'd ask me to go get changed and we'd drive out, only for me to realise we're heading to Kallang Stadium for a concert. He's buy tickets on the spot over the sistic counter. We'd spend the night watching people who are just too old for me then.. ie Kenny G... or Simply Red ... and then he's drive us both home and I'd crash at the back of the car listening to the radio as he drove home.

So many times then, I wanted to throw my arms over him and thank him for the pleasant evening but I always stopped and just said it in my head. Hoping that he could hear it. Obviously not. Kinda like I was embarrassed. I don't know why. He'd hold my hand out of the car and brought me to my room while I stumbled from the driveway into the house. We'd do the same for movies too. It was a very quiet affair where we just spent time together. Quietly in a very noisy environment. We'd just get something to eat. Watch something. In silence together and then go home. I still enjoyed it though.

I guess thats just how we did those dad - daughter bonding thing then. The way he knew how.

We never talked so it was hard for me to tell him that I loved him as my daddy too. He's still almost a stranger now.. with the exception that I know that he's still arnd.

Its hard for him to tell me he loves me because of his ego perhaps or maybe he's just too proud to say it but I can feel it. I know that he does and I'll take that. I love u D. I know I don't say it much. I do.