Stop me!!!

Someone stop me! I'm having baby pangs... it must be the hormones.. and possibly the nagging thought at the back of my head going.. baby? no baby? baby? no baby?

I'm swaying from.. "hmn.. I think I can manage one final one" to "OMFG, stop Pam stop!! Enough!! Don't you REMEMBER!!"

I suppose hormones can do that to you and help to cause you temporary ammnesia at times like these and go... "perhaps it wasn't as bad as I remember?" because times like those are possibly selectively blocked from my memory now.

Would I want to return to the times where I swell at all places.. hair grows where in places you don't want it to grow and it grows super fast? Do I want more stretch marks? Darkened skin? Nausea? Giddy Spells? Cankles - where my ankles get so swollen, it looks like my calf and feet combines and there are no more ankles left. Do I want my breasts to be on a semi permanent 1 - 2 year loan to the baby because it leaks milk most of the time and it doesn't resume sensitivity till at least 9 months post weaning off the boobies?

Sigh.. while it makes sense to get it all over with before I hit 30, physically... and my body possibly will break down alot more if I do have another when I'm in my 30s.. when you're young, babies are healthier too!

Mentally, it doesnt make sense... I have big plans for the girls.. and I already have Lauren asking quietly if she can attend art class and Eirian wanting to go to dance classes. It won't be fair to judge it from a monetary standpoint as money can be earned. It just takes a little more effort.

Moms with 3 and more say that they are priceless. Yes, I'm sure they are. But I'm not sure if I am a good mother to spend enough time with all 3 children. Already I have a problem dividing my time between just 2. Most of the time, they play on their own together.. or watch TV.

I'm not as pro-active as I should be as compared to some moms out there.

I read to them, sometimes. I play with them, sometimes.

We go stuff together like watch movies, sometimes. I help in Lauren's spelling homework, sometimes. I guess I'm not as involved but it seems that the girls are still growing beautifully.

They're wonderful girls.. albeit with a hot temper and are constantly fighting but thats just sibling love. CJ mentioned. "the girls are sensible, do you notice that they don't ask us for anything?" and I sat back and pondered. He's right. They don't and it breaks my heart.

Why? Because they know not to press us for it unlike those kids outside who want their parents to buy down the whole toy store. We bring them to the toy store and they play with the display items but never do they pester for a new toy. If we do volunteer to buy them one, they get all excited and really shows how appreciative they are. So much that you feel so good giving them a treat. They treat a gift like gold and kiss you all over telling you how much they love it, even if it was a $1 toy.

We can see them look longingly at other children who have toys that they want but they never ask us for it. My eyes start to brim with tears just looking at them because it seemed like we don't provide enough. I want them to have everything but simple things make them so happy.

The point came to us one day that made both CJ and I cry racking sobs. We were going through a transitional point in time where funds were extremely low and we were stressed.

Lauren takes regularly puts coins that she finds around the house to put into a little piggy bank. Sometimes from spare change or from the coins she gets from the karang guni man.

We asked her what she was saving for and she said. "I'm saving money so that I can bring all of us to Hong Kong Disneyland".

She saw us talking quietly and she brought her piggy bank to us and asked us. "mommy, you don't have money issit? You can have my piggy bank. I got alot of money inside, give you"

My god, the point she did that, I practically burst out tears. "Why? Why can't we be the one bringing her to HKDisneyland.. why did she have to give up her little piggy bank like that?"

That was not right.

It breaks my heart so much and each time I recall that, it NEVER fails to make me cry.

It was so selfless. It was too precious. This is why we work hard. To give them the best we can.

Not because they ask for it. Which they dont. But because we want to. They should just sit back and enjoy the ride. We will push the car with whatever amount of gas we have.

And with saying that.. "mommy loves you girls!! I really do"