Many of these people have seen me move from 85++kg down to the 67.5kg I am now that was achieved through the past months of dancing. Many couldn't believe that I actually once stood not too long ago at 100kg until pictures showed proof or they came to read my blog.
So when I met some of them today and spoke to them, all of them noticed the recent 2.5kg loss that was brought about with the onset of that bad flu I had last week. It must have been quite obvious as they had only missed seeing me for 1-2 weeks at most. 5 stars for having a bad flu benefits! Weightloss! lol!
And strangely enough, through the individual conversations, came a strikingly similar flow of sentences from 5 different people.... and it went like this....
Lady: "Pam! You lost weight again! or Pam! Did you lose weight again?!"
Me: "Yep. Sick lah!"
Lady: "Looking good! U keep shrinking!"
Me: "Thanks! Yah.. good to have results. Haha!"
Lady: "So you're okay already right? Lose weight good mah!"
Me: "Yep, can continue with my regime and diet to reach my weightloss goal!"
Lady: "HAR?! Still got ah? FOR WHAT? Like this okay already mah! Till what weight you want to reach?"
Lady: "No need lah! Like how you are now can already mah! now you almost reach already right? enough liao lah! Whats your weight now?"
Lady: "Dun bluff, u are so heavy meh?.....*short pause while I get checked out* (ponder ponder on her part) Aiyah! The numbers are nothing.. u are fine now - too slim not nice!"
Me: "....................... eh.. dance class starting soon.. get into position......"
And all that got me thinking... I set a goal at 55kg because that was my weight before and I wanted to see that weight when I stand on the scales because it gave me a goal.
Its a number I worked towards when I went from 100kg last year to strive till now, 32.5kg down.... so that I can understand that there is the final 12.5kg to go.
From the beginning and doing goal setting, many pple have told me then and now. Hit 60kg. You don't need to be smaller than that. 55kg is too small for you and your frame. But I still set the goal at 55kg.
Aim to the moon and even if you don't reach it, you still hit the stars.. right? But I want to reach the moon! I want to set that goal and say.. I'm going to stand on that damn scale and its going to show me 55kg.
Shelly says... "its time to stop looking at the numbers and start looking at the inches..."
Looking at the inches will not get me to 55kg.. or maybe it will but I've never LOOKED at my inches from the start.. I judged by my scale and how my clothes fit and how I visually looked in the mirror.
So I measured myself and found the results a little discouraging.. what 36-24-36? I'm standing at 67.5kg now at ....errr (runs off to measure) ... okay.. 38 - 29 - 39 inches! How is that near the so called preferred stat size? Thats still huge! So how to stop? STILL FAT LEH!
Slim? Pfft... hardly even near.. I'm just happy I can buy Medium now rather than XXXXL that I wore last year.
I want to be able to shop and say.. large? Too big lah! Right now, I can still buy a large and it still fits better than mediums. Size 14? No... size 16 still a better fit for me. Free size? Thats the only reprieve I have now that I'm thankful for because I can finally wear them. Free size is not REALLY FREE SIZE.. it fits medium to Large. At most. Any bigger.. fuck the free size....cannot wear one. I'm sure the BBW * Big Beautiful Women* can attest to this.
So sure, I can fit into clothes better now. Is that enough? Face not so chubby already.. Is that enough? Hubby can hold me and wrap me close to him at night without any effort as his arms can fold over me comfortably rather than just throwing his arm over my body before.. Is that enough?
Do I have a reason to keep on going? Will it make me look hot? I don't know.. am I hot enough now?
When I was 100kg, that itself was a reason to lose weight. Then I reached a lower weight and went, hey! I can look better a little smaller *vain mah*.. so loose more... then it reaches now. Loose more? Or just be happy at myself now?
How much smaller do I need to be before its enough? Maybe I should just keep on going and just reach 55kg and see how it goes from there. Look ugly then? Eat lor! Right? Gain back a little.. but since when do pple at 55kg look bad? OTHER than the fact that they already are not blessed with gracious esthetics.
55kg is a nice toned state.. to me. Oh.. *let me toot a little- don't roll ur eyes.. hahah!* ... A private trainer, now friend at the gym who was put in charge of orienting me when I first joined the gym stopped me today. He's watched me lose the weight over months and have always been proud to tell everyone that he knew me when I was "this big" *gesticulates and does the action of a big fat person* and that I've been training all the weight off "without personal training" and on my own.
He stopped me when I was leaving the gym and went "eh! Nice arms! So much better now!" I looked down at my still flabby but alot leaner arms, smiled and waved my batwings. "Slowly! Slowly!" I said. I thought that was a very LOVELY & encouraging compliment esp coming from someone who's job was to train people to GET the bodies they want.
So yeah.. I'm at a stage where, I'm actually feeling and looking alright.. I'm average now.. not OBESE.. chubby? but hey! More to love eh? But when is enough... enough? Would I feel like a loser for not reaching my goal of 55kg? Is it really necessary?
Does it stop when I feel that I'm alright for now? Or Does it stop when I reach my goal? How much flexibility does something like this have? Should I continue? I should.
Am I slim yet? NO but I can walk into a room and far outstun many a people that weigh much less than me. Is that enough?
Does it mean that if I get smaller, it would make me look better so I should strive to achieve it when I can? Someone once told me "I don't think you'll look good slim, 55kg is too small" - does that come from a spoil sport making comments? someone jealous? Or someone giving me her honest opinion? Is there such thing as 55KG IS TOO SMALL? I'm short leh! 163cm tall only. Don't know... because the funny thing too.. when I look back at my 55kg photos.. why is it I LOOK THE SAME if not smaller NOW than when I was 55kg back then?
I know I'm rambling but I just have to ramble this out... Am I thinking this because I might be losing steam? Well, not really... I'm determined to ride this all the way. So why am I having doubts to why I should?... when is enough.. enough.....when?
On another note, I've been crazy about caps. I now own 3 caps only though. A white esprit cap. The one you see up here in khaki colour with sparklies and a brown one with tiny studs. And I want more!
There are so many reasons why I love them now.. they block the sun. They make a fashion statement. I love wearing them w my hair down. They're good for bad hair days. I like! I just brush brush quick. Choose a hat for the day and throw it on. Tadaahhh!
And they're not expensive too! All around $15-30 each. I've been walking in and out of shops each time I see a hat stand and I stand there trying hats. I'm surely going to get more soon.
Okay.. enough rambling for now.. I'll continue thinking about this tomorrow. :)